22 September 2007

Sunday Scribblings: Hi, My Name Is...

I won’t be around net access on Sunday, most likely, so here it is, a day early. This is, for the record, not at all pretty much modelled off of conversations I’ve had at a new job in the past, with the names and places changed to protect the not-so-innocent. Not at all. Why would you suspect such a thing?

Week 1, Monday, Emerson High School, Main Office
“Young lady? Young lady? Hello, young lady. You’ll need to sign in and take a visitor badge, please. No, they’re the ones over there, with “Hi, My Name Is _____”. Yes, those ones. Is this your first day? Who have you got? Ooo, Mrs Wallerstein’s classes! They’re a real handful. If you have any trouble just send the problem up here with a referral. Oh, the forms are in that box. Sure, no problem; see that desk back there? That’s Miss Buchanan, she handles subs. You’re welcome. Thanks, you too.”

Week 1, Tuesday, Emerson High School, Main Office
“Hello! You’ll need to sign in and take a visitor badge, please. Janice, hmm? I have a cousin called that. Pretty name. Oh, Maria’s out today, she’ll be back tomorrow. The badge? That’s so security knows you’re supposed to be on campus. Yes, every day. I don’t know, school policy? It does seem kind of redundant, doesn’t it? You all have substitute IDs anyway, couldn’t they check those? Oh, there’s the first bell! Good luck!”

Week 1, Wednesday, Emerson High School, Main Office
“Young lady? Oh, hi. Haven’t you been here before? Mrs Wallerstein on Monday, that’s right. You’ll need to sign in and… yeah. Thanks, you too. Hey, young lady! You forgot your badge! You’re welcome. Can’t be on campus without one, you know. Thanks, you too.”

Week 1, Thursday, Emerson High School, Main Office
“Young lady? Oh, hi. You know the drill. Hey, you can’t put it on your purse, Janice. Because it has to be on where everyone can see it. There you go. That wasn’t so hard, was it? Thanks, you too.”

Week 1, Friday, Emerson High School, Main Office
“Young lady? Oh, hi. Of course I remember. Brittany. Yeah, the badges are helpful, aren’t they? Thanks, you too.”

Week 1, Friday, Emerson High School, Main Office
“Young lady, you forgot to sign in this morning. Hey! Where’s your badge! Did you take it off? That’s against school policy, young lady. I don’t want to see that again, do you understand? All right. Anyone can make a mistake once. Just don’t do it again. Thanks, you too.”

Week 2, Thursday, Emerson High School, Staff Entrance to Main Office
“Hey, what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at lunch with your friends? Oh, are you? I’m sorry, you look so young. I thought you were a student. You got your badge? Sure, come on in. Sorry about that. Haha, yeah, it is a nuisance, isn’t it? Sometimes I think they should just tattoo them to your foreheads. Yeah, but then at least Maria would know who you were at once. Have the students given you trouble at all? Really? Great! Hey, I’ll be out next week, let me have your sub number and I’ll request you. Yeah, they’re easy. Best kids in the school. And they’re doing the CHASEE for three days, so you’ll have an easy go. They’re real little angels, not like some of the classes. 3165? Got it. Yeah, Joe Wallerstein. Yeah, she’s my wife! Yeah, aren’t they great? Oh, there’s the bell. See you later!”

Week 3, Monday, Emerson High School, Joe Wallerstein’s Second Period Class
“Hey look, it’s her badge!”
“Give it here!”
“Write on it, Jesus!”
“What should I write? You write on it!”
“Give it here!”
“Haha! Way to go, Mario!”
“What, now? Are you serious? Yeah, but I finished the test! What, them? They don’t care!”
“I’ll wait for you outside detention, bro.”
“Thanks, chamo. I’m going, I’m going. Geez, are you new or something? We always do this!”

Week 3, Monday, Emerson High School, Main Office
“Where’s your badge, young lady? I thought I told you not to take it off again. You have to wear it at all times. School policy. That’s not very funny, young lady. Are you trying to make fun of me? Displaying obscenities on or about your person is against school policy. I don’t care, young lady, one more incident like this and I’ll have to report you to the principal.”

Week 4, Friday, Emerson High School, Quad
“Young lady? Young lady! Young lady, STOP! Hey, what’s the matter with you?! Didn’t you hear me calling you? Yes, I was! Are you supposed to be out of class? A substitute? You’ll have to come up with a better one… oh. I’m sorry, ma’am. Hey, where’s your visitor badge? You’re not supposed to be on campus without one. Did you check in at the office? Come with me, please, I have to verify this.”

Week 4, Friday, Emerson High School, Principal’s Office
“You are Janice Smith? You know, Miss Smith, I’ve been listening to the talk about the office. It seems that you’ve had more than one problem with this sort of thing before. Are you trying to flout our educational policy? We have a system in place, Miss Smith, because we have found that system to work. Do you understand? We can’t have people running all over campus without identification, and when you attempt to disobey procedure, you send a message to our students. When you “lose” your visitor badge or scribble obscene humour on it, you send a message. Do you know what that message is? You are saying to our students that they can feel free to disobey, too. I understand that, but it is your responsibility to come to the office and get a new one. Miss Smith, I think you are being purposefully difficult. We in the administration have always tried to support our teachers and substitutes with as little hassle as possible, and you should return the favour. This kind of fuss is not something we need. Am I clear?”

Week 5, Monday, Lincoln High School, Main Office
“Hi, I’m Kelly, how are you this morning? Fine, thanks. What’s your name? Ah, let me see… Monica, right? Here’s the keys. Monica said to tell her sub not to let them use the TV, they’re in her class to do math even when she isn’t. What badge? Don’t be silly, that’s what you have a sub ID for. Here’s the map, we’re here, and Monica’s class is here. If you get lost, just ask one of the kids, they’ll help you. Have a nice day!”

Week 25, Thursday, Lincoln High School, Main Office
“Hi, Janice! Monica again today. Nate’s gonna ask you to do a period coverage, just warning you. Hey, you’ve been subbing here exclusively now for a while, haven’t you? Yeah, wow, almost six months! Why do you like Lincoln so much?”


Jo said...

My comment disappeared because I backpaged. GRRRR. I enjoyed this. I liked both the monologue and the impishness.

Becca said...

Hilarious! You've done a great job making this just comedic and sarcastic enough.

I work in a high school too, and have had many of the same problems :)

Glad you ended up at Lincoln - they sound much saner over there.

gautami tripathy said...

As I am a teacher, I can relate!

Kris said...

Hahaha. That's bureaucracy for ya. :P

tumblewords said...

How funny! Good dialogue and just the right amount of 'who cares' attitude.